Snapshot in time

"I didn't do this because it was good politics. I did it because I believed it was good for the country. I did it because I believed it was good for the American people." - Barack Obama

Will this be a day we look back on as a turning point for our country? A day that represents saved lives, secured homes, and renewed hope, or... will it never have a chance to take root? Will it collapse all by itself and leave us worse off than when we started? No one can say for sure, but I'm choosing to invest in the hope of the promises of this law and fight through any consequences that ensue because at the most personal level I believe that this will help not only myself but also innumerable people in situations similar to or far worse than mine, and that is all that matters to me from a Christian perspective (see: Matt. 25:40, James 1:27).

When I hear Romney say he wants to strike down the law, repeal and replace/leave it up to states, etc., it hits me in a deeply hurtful, personal way, simply because, while he would undoubtedly present a plan that incorporates many of the same features, the process of doing so would almost surely directly result in the loss of life and/or economic security for many Americans. Now that we've accomplished what we have, I'm just not OK with delaying things further. Let's get people help, now.

I'm sure I'm naive in many things; that's not in doubt. But in my simplistic mind, this is what I've come up with. I'm happy because it feels like a great good has been done. As I told my brother yesterday, this really does feel better than a Bills win. Maybe there's hope for my priorities after all.

Why am I losing weight now?

I have enjoyed a truly diverse, flavorful, sweet, and dare I say, caloric diet over the past couple of weeks and still managed to lose weight, albeit less than I should have according to the beaten to death calculators. Over the past week, I actually had two cinnamon rolls and milk, pizza, El Canelo, McDonald's, Arby's, and two alcoholic drinks. I'm pretty happy that I was able to enjoy things like this and still clock out each day at a good calorie level. Maybe I am learning how to balance everything, or maybe I'm just benefiting from a positive bio-trend that's keeping my hunger at bay and my metabolism sharp (still dull, but as sharp as possible). We'll see how things continue to go.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm already seeing the health benefits of my new job. With a lot of extra walking and standing now on my daily plate, maybe this is making the difference.

-0.6

I weighed in at 221.4 pounds this morning, a loss of 0.6 pounds from last week, bringing my total weight loss to 10.6 pounds.

Once again, not what I was hoping for but I'll take any progress. Hopefully we're building some momentum now.

Daily calorie totals for the next week will be posted here. There will be no totals for Saturday as I will be out of town for the weekend.

-1.2

I weighed in this morning at 222.0 pounds, a loss of 1.2 pounds from last week. I'll take it.

Daily calorie totals for the next week will be posted here.

Talking about calories

Last night I was looking at some online weight loss calculators, as I often do as an ongoing training tool and gauge of how I'm doing. I came across a disclaimer on one of the calculators that read, "Humans are not calculators. Humans are not robots, and everyone will obtain individual results." So this begs the question: Why?

Now I have beat the "it's all about calories" horse to the ground but in recent weeks, as I hinted at in a previous post(s), I have come to believe differently simply because I have followed A Technical Approach, I am not underestimating my calories (if anything, I overestimate), and I haven't been losing weight when I should be losing 1-2 pounds per week according to each and every calculator.

That's why I now believe that each and every human being is wired a certain way and God controls who is fat and who is not, assuming a person is getting a full ration (please, no examples of starving people all being skinny). Now I do believe it is possible for me to lose weight and this journey is not slowing down. I just think it will be very slow and perhaps not happen at all because God wired my body to always stay at this set point. If it were true that you can "fire up your metabolism" by eating every 2-3 hours, why am I still not losing weight, and why is my colleague at work (mentioned previously), who goes hours without eating and then gorges himself, so thin? It's because of an unexplained factor that no one takes into account; a factor that gives rise to the disclaimer that humans are not calculators: there are subtleties occurring in the human existence, some physical and some spiritual, which contribute to our ability or inability to change our body type.

Other questions to ponder:

Does eating cheese and other saturated fats really make or keep you fat regardless of your other caloric intake? I'm starting to believe that it does.

Is weight loss actually more about the mind and less about the body? If you believe that you will lose weight, will you then see results?

Is the science somehow wrong? Is 3,500 calories not really a pound?
Does eating 300 calories of chocolate affect your body in a different way than eating 300 calories of asparagus? Now I'm not talking about "it makes me feel more full so I eat less later" so please don't go there. I'm talking about direct effects. Here's the thing – I don't think any of us would say that it wouldn't have a different effect. But the "it's all about calories" science would indicate that it shouldn't. What gives?

As you can see, I'm starting to ask some questions that border on conspiratorial. That shows you where I am in trying to explain away what's happening. Folks, I've been eating under 2,000 calories every day for months. I can count on one hand the days I've had a "normal 2,000 calorie day" in the past four months. To maintain my weight, I supposedly need to be eating in the mid-upper 2000s. So something has to give, right? Yes, if it were all about calories. No, if what I'm suggesting is true.

At church on Sunday, at a special Father's Day service, I walked away from donuts (all my favorite varieties), cinnamon rolls, other breakfast pastries, and biscuits and sausage gravy while everyone else ate to their heart's content, seemingly without a single thought to the fact that they likely consumed a normal breakfast that morning plus a cool 1,000 calories of breakfast pastry and gravy. Am I wrong to feel that I deserve a reward for walking away?

Wednesday weigh-ins begin today

Weekly weigh-ins are back and will be posted on Wednesdays going forward. That means calorie totals for today through next Tuesday will be posted here.

I received my shiny new digital scale yesterday and weighed in at 223.2 pounds this morning. I can live with that; it means no weight gain and still a total weight loss of about 10 pounds so far. Because I was fearing far worse, I was happy when I saw the number. And, there is a certain comfort in knowing that this scale is accurate. Guessing is no longer a part of the process. I was worried that this scale would show I hadn't lost any weight throughout this entire journey! But I have, and that's an encouragement going forward.

In other news, I have written and sent an appeal to FSU regarding their denial of my GMAT/GRE grad school waiver on the basis of insufficient management experience. Through several of my roles at my current workplace and numerous other positions, I have exceeded the two-year requirement. If they say no, I'll have to make a decision about what to do going forward. More to come.

Apology for negativity

I am still upset about my metabolism and grad school setback (see: last two posts), but I want to apologize for the themes of negativity. It's not my intent to be a downer but to share my struggles as well as my times of joy. It just so happens that the last two days have been very frustrating. Hopefully I will feel better and gain a new perspective after the gym this evening.

Huge setback

I received an e-mail from FSU this morning advising me that Dr. Anderson has reviewed my resume and determined that my work experience is insufficient to waive the GMAT/GRE requirement for admission into the program. This flies in the face of everything I had been advised to date, as FSU had previously indicated that they expected my resume, along with my 3.78 GPA, to be fully adequate (and why Dr. Anderson, who my family knows personally, reviewed my documents instead of program coordinator Dr. Ross, who was said to be the one reviewing them, is a mystery; I was advised that Dr. Ross would surely approve my resume). It's a huge shock, and it's also a huge slap in the face to my work. And what does it mean? Well, I have until the end of the fall semester (I can still take the classes I signed up for) to submit a passing GMAT or GRE. This will be no small task as I am fully confident in my abilities to do well in high level management classes, but not confident at all in my abilities to competently perform basic algebra and geometry. I have failed or done poorly on every standardized test I have ever taken. Plus, the test costs $250 (this is for the GMAT, which is the only one I've looked into so far) and would require me to take time off work. Not feeling great right now.

Warning: Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say. This is part of it.

For lunch today, a coworker of mine went to McDonald's and ate the following: Bacon double cheeseburger (570 calories), large fries (500 calories), hot cakes with butter and syrup (600 calories), and a Dr. Pepper (250 calories). Total: 1,920 calories. This single meal is more than I will eat on a normal day, but is the usual for my colleague, who happens to be the thinnest person I've ever seen. He drinks nightly, rarely exercises, and regularly eats meals like this or orders in a pizza (or some other kind of pizza shop product). I am not exaggerating.

This is not an encouraging post. This is an angry post. This is not fair, but it's reality. How do I deal with this? How do I not feel angry, jealous, and hopeless? Today, I had 1,785 mediocre calories and took a walk after dinner. It was fine. But he was able to eat like this and pay nothing for it? And when you throw in the fact that I do great today, take a walk, and then suffer from chest pain at the end of it, it just makes it all worse. Also, my wife is sitting on the couch eating an Oatmeal Creme Pie. I am not. Yet I can tell my body is gaining weight back daily and I feel powerless to stop it (love, I really do not begrudge you your Oatmeal Creme Pies).

I am so frustrated, but will keep going tomorrow. The journey continues. I will eat well, I will go to the gym, and then I will repeat it all again until the next discouraging weigh-in.

A good day

Today was a good day. Diet consisted of Cheerios, a pita with some hummus and cheese, a grilled chicken sandwich and, as a rare treat, some simply divine apple crumble and vanilla ice cream. All this for 1,785 calories. Plus, I spent virtually the entire day out of the house (though I did watch some tennis this morning and make that Keane mix I mentioned yesterday) recycling, shopping (your mouth would drop if you saw the box full of food I got at Save-a-Lot for $15, and I got two basically free bottles of V-8 Smoothie at Martin's because I wrote a sob story to Campbell's about how their soup ruined my lunch one day at work so they sent me premium coupons), etc. I even said some nice things to strangers and found myself in a state that I was very pleased to find exists. And, when I finally met up with Amy (she had spent the day at yard sales with her cousin) we saw a movie, had gumballs, and bought a couple of pairs of pants which will make her ongoing professional life much less of a daily headache. It was a good day (anyone catch that reference?). Tomorrow, I think we're going to Rocky Gap to hike and whatnot, and then maybe have some turkey burgers in the evening. Should be a good tomorrow, too!

Keane are back?

It appears that Keane may be back to their old selves after a long hiatus. I haven't listened to the full new album yet, but when I do I'm sure I will be making a new "best of Keane" mix. There's almost no music I would rather listen to if it were my final day.

This song is so inspiring.

Chest pain/digital scale

As you may have gathered, I'm at a standstill with my weigh-ins until I receive the new high quality digital scale that I ordered. Amy and I actually get each other a small gift each month, and she combined my May and June gifts to get me the scale. Thanks, love. :) Anyway, the next weigh-in will occur the morning after I receive my shiny new digital scale, which will likely be an eye-opening experience in a negative way. I would do well to start building up inner strength to resist the voices I'll hear when I see the number on that scale. I am anticipating an overall reset and a reinstatement of the original 21-Day Metabolism Makeover plan.

Until the next weigh-in, calorie totals will continue to be posted on the A Sleeping Giant Awakes post. You can see from the totals that I am still eating to lose weight (and I'm sticking to my workout schedule, by the way), but something's wrong in my body right now. I don't know what else to say. There is no doubt in my mind that I am gaining weight back right now, and I have no explanation for it. It's humiliating, and if I were my readers I would be feeling skeptical about this whole process. But guess what? I'm in charge, and I know that one day I do end up winning this thing. So be patient. This is a journey.

That said, I have been experiencing more unexplained chest pain in the past week or so than I have for quite a while. What's so disconcerting about these episodes is that they're different every time, and they always occur on the left side of my chest/shoulder/left arm. I have also been experiencing tightness in the center of my chest. In this I am also at a loss as to what to do. I can't afford tests that actually show me what the heart looks like (and whether or not I have heart disease), so it's all guesswork based on my symptoms and blood work. And, those factors show that I should be OK and there's nothing diagnosable. Yet the discomfort remains, and it is extremely debilitating to my psyche. It makes me anxious for everything and uneasy about my entire life. It makes me worry about things a 23-year-old has no business worrying about. And I wonder, is this all phantom pain placed by God for a reason? If I were thin and muscular and pain free, would I become a vain, selfish, arrogant person? I don't know. But there's a reason for what I'm going through.

Mainstay – These Pages

Bittersweet

Today, I got a promotion at work that I've been working toward for a long time. Starting Monday, I'm going to be a Team Lead – actually the Team Lead of the very team with which I started. I will be above my old supervisor, who I credit for helping in a huge way to get me to where I am now. It's not a final destination by any means (rather, a step along the way), but it is a very important milestone that I had to reach in order to continue to move forward. This, combined with the beginning of graduate school in August, makes things pretty exciting in my life right now.

That said, leaving my HelpLine team is going to be really hard. It's bittersweet in the worst way. I have said to many people that this wasn't like other promotions. This time, my heart kind of sank. I grew to truly love the team and look forward to their company, especially as I and others worked to create a more positive culture. I made some good friends and grew in many ways. I'm going to miss everyone and everything, including the work. I loved doing research, and I loved E-Messaging. Maybe one day I'll have my own E-Messaging team, but for now I'm out of the picture, and that kind of sucks. But the positives of moving to a Team Lead position far outweigh the negatives. Sure, I'm going to have to give up some of the things I love to do, but I'm going to have a greater sphere of influence, gain management experience, enjoy health benefits, and hone my people skills. I will also get to take "Sup Sup" calls, which means I get to be the last line of defense against doubly irate participants (if a participant doesn't like what a PSR has to say, he'll ask for a supervisor; if he doesn't like what the Tier II Specialist [my old position] has to say, he'll ask for another supervisor, and that's where I come in).

There's less nervousness for starting the new position and more sadness for leaving my current one. I really don't know what more to say other than I'm just really going to miss it. But like I said in the meeting today, this is necessary. Sometimes you have to cut against the grain to get to something sweeter.

And tonight, I entertained the thought of having a bowl of ice cream to celebrate. But it was easy to resist. I'm not losing weight, but I love that. I've changed.

Different shapes and sizes?

This post might be extended in the near future, but I would appreciate your responses to this question: Do we really all come in different shapes and sizes?

Parents tell fat kids this all the time to make them feel better, and I don't think most of them really believe it. But is it actually true? According to Jill Comess, director of food science and nutrition at Norfolk State University, it just might be. "Researchers estimate that your genes account for at least 50% - and as much as 90% - of your stored body fat."

What say you? Do I have to work that much harder to lose weight?

A sleeping giant awakes

I'm done. My 62.5 hour week is over; I had a high calorie day today (any day that starts with a 5:30 Denny's breakfast with a colleague is going to be a challenge) after great days the rest of the week, and now that I'm done focusing so hard on my job I'm ready to wake the sleeping giant. I'm happy to be here and can't wait to get back to the gym on Tuesday.

The next weigh-in will occur on Monday, June 10, pending receipt of a new digital scale. I'm going to have a great week this week.

Signed,

Joe