Juice, I promise I am not stealing your blog concept. The simple fact is that when I looked down at the scale for today's weigh in – once again after an extended moment of thinking through the last 3 weeks and recalling the positive choices I'd made – "Walk On" immediately jumped into my mind, right on cue when I saw the number. I think it's a holy little nudge... and I'm going to need it.
I gained 4 pounds over the last 3 weeks.
It's very difficult to express what that feels like. You feel cheated and, more than that, hurt. Not only did you accomplish nothing over the past 3 weeks, you went backwards – almost into a tailspin. You feel angry and think there's no way you consumed 14,000 extra calories over that period of time. Continuing to think about that particular fact, you once again come to the realization that no one has figured out exactly what causes our bodies to lose and gain. Friends, it's not all about calories. I am living proof of that today.
My dear wife is quick to tell me that I've been gaining muscle and that is a possible explanation for this setback. I acknowledge this, but when you have as much to lose as I do, you should still be shedding pounds of fat – and as far as I know, you definitely shouldn't be seeing an increase on the scale.
It's funny, because in the last few days I began to notice physical changes about my shape. It seemed that I was leaner and just smaller by an inch or two all the way around. I just feel smaller. But apparently I'm not? Is my scale lying? Do numbers really matter? I still think they do, because when you're sitting in the 200s they have to matter. If you're down around your goal weight, sure, you can look in the mirror and see how you're doing. You don't have to obsess about fluctuations. But I'm not there yet, as much as old impatient me would like to be. I want the best of weight loss instantly in the same way I want the best of my career and my spiritual life, but that's just not realistic. That's not how life works.
So now what? Now I get to show my quality. Now I get to go rogue and silence that little voice in my head that said to me this morning, "See, once again, you're just not cut out for this, and your body will always come back to this set point." I get to show more resiliency than I know I have. I get to continue on this fun journey, experimenting with more changes to my lifestyle.
I am humiliated at this hour, but that will change. I hope I can count on your continued support despite this failure. Your comments have been so encouraging.
I can't believe I have to wait 21 days for another weigh-in, but I will try my best to discipline myself to stick with the plan. I'm so anxious to lose the weight back and restore myself to respectability that I want to look at that scale every day and tell you about every pound to make up for this embarrassment. Still, I can hear the good little voice in my head saying, "Be faithful and the results will astound you. Now is the time you have to stick with it."
On May 14, I will have something much different to report. I promise.
On The Biggest Loser, some contestants gained 2 pounds over the course of one week, but they stuck with it and overcame the unknown demons that cause these things to happen. I am no different. Walk On.
